New EU Directive Demands UK Style Braking For All
In shock news today it has been announced that, as of January 2018, a new EU Directive OTB0104 will force the cycle industry to universally adopt ‘True-Moto’ brakes, putting the front brake in the rider’s right hand.
Note: This was a prank for April fools 2017.
Leading the campaign is European Union Councilor, and UK Resident, Richard Head. “I have been fighting this battle since 2011. Ever since I pulled the left brake lever and went over the bars on a rented Specialized Demo while riding along the cyclepath around Lake Geneva. Brakes are essential safety items, and it seems ludicrous that they are often fitted the wrong way around in many regions of Europe. Luckily the only damage was a scuff to my full face helmet and a small tear in my lycra triathlon suit. It is amazing to see the world adopt this new standard, it’s a change for harmony and equality, a victory for unity”.
To eliminate confusion, the new right-hand-front-brake standard will be globally named ‘True-Moto’ while the now illegal left-hand-front-brake will be referred to as ‘Faux-Moto”. As of the 1st of January all brakes will have to meet the new EU True-Moto standard. The new directive also states that the front brake lever will be required to be coloured red for easy identification and to symbolise danger. In response to the new directive SRAM will be releasing a new line of GUIDE brakes for the European market named the Red Baron while Shimano are working on an aftermarket conversion kit called The Widowmaker. Alpine Stars will also be revamping their new glove line with FRONT written clearly on the back of the right glove.
An EU commision sat for 4 months deliberating which standard should be adopted universally. After great debate, it was evidence from Scientists from Oxford University who swayed the commission to adopt True-Moto. Leading neurosurgeon, Professor Ivor Bighouse, states “It’s a little known fact that the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body and vice versa. The right side of the brain is also responsible for spatial awareness and computing visual imagery. By putting the important front brake in the rider’s right hand, controlled by the left brain, the right hand brain is now free to concentrate on where the rider is going. It is estimated that the switch will result in an instant 9.21% improvement in spatial awareness.”
Speaking to a top German EWS racer, Hanz Rapido, the racing community is welcoming the change. “For many years we have not understood how the UK riders are so fast. It is simply not possible, we ride better bikes, we train the same, we eat more meat, we have a better economy, we have nicer cars, but still the British beat us to the podiums. It is simply not acceptable. Now we know that it is Faux-Moto brakes that have been holding us back. The team has been testing True-Moto in secret for the last 4 months, and despite some early injuries, we are now seeing an observable 7.1136356432% improvement in performance.”
We asked Elite UK Downhillers Danny Hart and Josh Bryceland for comment, but unfortunately their incomprehensible accents defeated even Google Translate. We are reasonably confident they both said something about pies.
It is not all good news though. There are some that are struggling with the Faux-Moto to True-Moto change. We caught up with famous German vert rider, Axel Riesige Bälle, who’s video ‘Faux-Moto Fail’ has now had over 64 billion hits on YouTube, almost stealing the record from the iconic “Charlie Bit My Finger”. Axel, still residing in Berlin Hospital states “I was at a critical point on a critical dolomiti face, about to throw down my signature Liteville 301 euro turn. I held the front brake and hopped the back wheel into the air, but I had forgotten my bike was True-Moto and I nose manualled straight off the cliff edge. Luckily my fanny pack hooked over a branch and stopped my fall.” The whole incident was filmed by a passing hiker, and Axel has now picked up a sponsorship deal with Red Bull.
As of 1st January 2018 there will be a global recall of all Faux-Moto brakes. To meet the huge demand, SRAM and Shimano will be opening four new warranty departments in Derby, Manchester, Bristol and London, taking advantage of the predicted ‘post Article 50’ laughably cheap labour on offer in the UK. For those with Flip Flop brakes, who wish to modify their current brakes to meet the new True-Moto regulation, an EU approved ‘panic handle red’ paint kit will be available for €499.00 a bottle.
If you are worried about this new EU Directive, and how it affects your cycling, an online petition contesting True-Moto has received over 47 signatures. ‘FAUX-MOTO 4 LIFE’, ‘FAUX-MOTO AIN’T DEAD’, and “I DO IT WITH MY LEFT HAND” T-shirts are also available. Our German ENDURO magazine editors recommend taping your right brake finger to the bars until suitably practiced with True-Moto brakes.